Stay
by Sunni
Summary: Carter thinks. Additional scene for "Walk Like A Man"


Title: Stay

Author: Lanie

Disclaimer: Ok, now let's get this straight. ER isn't mine. I just borrow its characters and make them dance for me whenever I feel like it. Or I dance for them. Or we all dance together. Whatever. Anyways, no copyright infringement intended.

Spoilers: "Walk Like a Man"

Author's Notes: If you're looking for chapter three to my "Reflections" series, you won't find it here. Sorry. It's coming, though. Someone threw me a bone in the form of a challenge, and I rarely turn these things down. This is a Carter PoV based fic that takes place during "Walk Like a Man" between the scene on the El platform and the scene on the steps. I've thought a lot about this one, so I hope you like it. Huge thank-you to IAS at the Carby board for planting this seed, and for helping me with the final draft. And to my beta, Starsy, who never gets mad at me for teasing her. Without these two, I would probably still be sitting in the corner, curled up in the fetal position. Thanks for keeping me sane!

This piece is dedicated to all my peeps at the Carby board. http://pub48.ezboard.com/bcarby. You know who you are. Thanks for the support! 

Summary: Carter thinks. Additional scene for "Walk Like a Man". 

***

__

Stay here and talk to me. Please.

I turn around and look at her as the train doors close. She bites her lip and gives me those wide eyes that make me want to take it all back. But I can't. Because the doors are closing, and I know we're at a turning point here. There's no going back. 

The train starts to lurch and I glance back briefly as I head to my seat. She leans against the wall and looks down at the ground. I can almost hear the heavy sigh she makes as the train begins to pull away. I sit down facing the other direction and bury my head in my hands.

I rest there for a moment or two, resisting the urge to look back, and take a few deep breaths to calm myself. It's a useless effort.

Once I feel that I'm far enough away, I draw my head upwards, running my hands over my face. I look around the train car and count the number of heads I see. I sigh and slouch back in my seat. Good, I can be relatively alone in my misery. Closing my eyes, I lean my head back against the window and let my mind drift. 

__

I never lied to you.

What happened? I wish I could put my finger on the exact moment that things started to unravel, but I can't. Was it always this way, and I just didn't see it?

God, if she could just see how much she's hurting herself. I thought things were different. I thought we'd gotten through this. I thought… I thought I was enough.

I was wrong.

__

You know, I'm not drinking to get drunk.

She says she doesn't need my help. That she's not broken. That she doesn't need fixing. She constantly pushes me away, and yet when I concede and give her space, she reels me back in. Now she'd rather I butt-in than leave it all up to her. What the hell does she want from me?

I shake my head in frustration as the train slows to a stop. A few people stand and get off, but no one comes on. I look at my watch. It's dinnertime, and for a moment I wonder where the day went.

__

I never lied to you.

Maybe I just have a little bit more faith in me than you do.

To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement. She was going to meetings. She was making her way through the steps. Again. Except this time, she wasn't. It was all a ruse. A façade she created. And I was the fool for falling for it. Carter with the rose-coloured glasses. 

And there it is. 

In the past three months, I've let my heart do all the decision making in my life. I've always assumed she was at the same stage in our relationship as I was. That we were together: mind, body and soul. I was jaded. I didn't want to see things any other way. I wanted this… so much … I refused to see anything wrong. I should have noticed the signs, but I didn't. I let my heart rule. 

__

Maybe I just have a little bit more faith in me than you do.

I do have faith. I know she can beat this. She doesn't need to drink. She's got me. Or maybe I'm not what she really wants. Maybe if I…

No. I can't. 

My head snaps up as a voice booms over the PA system, announcing the next stop. I look around the car again. It's empty. I swallow and look outside the window, trying to figure out my location in the city. Lost in my thoughts, I forgot where I was going. 

Why didn't I tell her the way I feel? I've come so close several times. I've never told her. And now… I fear that I never will. 

__

I never lied to you.

She's drinking, and I hate that she's drinking. But I hate even more that she thinks she can't tell me about it. Doesn't she know how much I care about her? Doesn't she know how amazing I think these last three months have been? How much I want to be with her day in and day out? Can't she see how happy she makes me? If she could only see… Maybe she'd stop…

__

You know, I'm not drinking to get drunk.

Then what? Is that supposed to make her admission any easier to take? A drink is a drink, Abby. What are you hiding from? 

__

I'm happy. With you. Life is good.

I want to believe her when she says that I'm the best thing that has happened to her in a long time. But how can I? Not now, not knowing this. She's succumbed to her old ways. Six years. Why now? What is it?

__

I just want to have a couple of drinks with my friends so that I know I'm past the bad part.

Are you really sure you're past it, Abby? You drink to hide from your feelings. Why are you hiding from me? 

And why am I hiding from you?

She says she's happy. And yet, she drinks. What's going to happen when things between us get rough? It won't always be a bed of roses, despite how hard we try. What's going to happen when things get tense? What's going to happen tonight, when she gets home and realizes she's alone?

I can't accept this. A line needs to be drawn, and I need to be the one to draw it. Now. While I still have the strength to do it. Now. Before I fall deeper…

I'm shaken out of my thoughts by the force of the train coming to a sudden halt. Without thinking, I jump out of my seat, pick up my bag, and make for the doors. They slide open at my approach, startling me for a moment. I recover quickly and brush past the boarding passengers, stepping out onto the platform. 

A cool fall breeze greets me as I head down the stairs and into the street. The rain has stopped, and for that I'm slightly grateful. The air smells fresh and moist. I tilt my head upwards, to the sky. No stars. I sigh and begin my journey down the sidewalk. 

__

I'm a pro at walking away. I've done it one million times. Stay here and talk to me. Please. 

Please.

I realize how selfish my actions were. I left her. Because I couldn't deal with it. So I did something I vowed I'd never do. I turned my back on her. The love of my life.

What happened? 

She fought me. She wanted me to stay so we could talk. She took the lead for the first time in our relationship, and I refused to follow. She opened up to me. There was no prompting.

She wanted me to stay.

She's happy.

I believe her. Deep down inside, I know she's telling me the truth. Deep down, I know she's… Just as scared as I am. Of being together. 

No. 

Of being apart.

I stop walking and instinctively lean on the gate beside me. It's creeps open, and I pass through it. Slowly, I begin to climb the steps to the front door, but something inside me snaps and I stop dead in my tracks. 

This isn't my place. It's hers. 

I shake my head and look up and down the sidewalk. For what, I can't say. I know she's not off for… I look at my watch. Another half-an-hour. I roll my eyes and look up at the sky, letting out a long, exhausted breath. Should I stay? My mind is urging me to go, but my heart… Why did I end up here?

I'm drawn to her. I told her that after the lockdown. Back then it all seemed simple. The relationship was new and exciting. We were both tentative, then. Afraid that one wrong move and things would end. And if they did, a friendship and something more would be lost. 

It's still exciting. Everyday I'm reminded of how amazing she is. Everyday I decide never to let her go. Everyday I fall in love with her all over again. I'm still drawn to her. And I can't lose her. Not now. 

I won't lose her. Not ever. 

But where are we? And where does that leave us?

I sigh and crouch down, sitting on the step. Again, my heart has overruled. I will wait. I do realize that I could just use the keys she gave me and let myself into her apartment, but I'm not entirely sure that I'd be welcome to do that tonight. I close my eyes and try to think of what I will say to her when she comes home. 

If she comes home. 

I shove that thought aside, cursing myself for going right there. I'm not being fair to her. But then, it's not like she gave me the benefit of the doubt here. She knew how I'd react so she didn't tell me. I gave her no reason to think otherwise. 

I hear the sound of the gate squeaking open in front of me, followed by a voice. 

"Hey… You're John, aren't you? Abby's boyfriend?"

I look up and stare at the source of the inquiry. It's Lena, one of Abby's neighbours. I clear my throat and nod. 

"Yeah. That's me."

Lena tips her head to the side. "You locked out or something? I could let you into the building if you want…" 

I shake my head no. "That's all right. I'm just waiting."

"Oh. Well, ok." 

I shift on the step and let her pass. Lena ascends the stairs to the top and unlocks the front door. I watch her for a moment before I turn back towards the sidewalk, hanging my head a little.

"You know, I think you two make a really cute couple." 

I turn around again and look up at Lena standing in the doorway. "You think so?"

She nods, grinning. "Yeah. You guys must be so in love."

I smile slightly at this. "Well, I can't speak for her…"

"Oh! It's so obvious that she's crazy about you."

My smile fades and I sigh. "I suppose."

"I hope things work out with you guys."

"Me too."

We're silent for a few moments, and Lena looks over her shoulder. "Well, umm… I should get inside."

"Yeah."

"It was nice seeing you again, John."

"You too." 

Lena gives me a final smile before she turns and heads through the door. I watch it close and turn back around. 

__

I'm happy. With you.

I shake my head and take a deep breath. Pulling myself up off the step, I swing open the gate and head back out onto the sidewalk. I can't sit here any longer. It's driving me nuts. 

I take only a few steps before I catch her in the distance, walking towards me. Her head is lowered slightly, but I know it's her. I frown and look at my watch. She's early. 

Her head pops up just then, and my sudden reaction is to jump out of her line of vision. I step into the nearest crossing walkway and peer out from behind a bush. She's closer now, and I can see the tired look on her face.

I shrink into the shadows as she passes by. Taking a deep breath, I emerge onto the sidewalk and approach her from behind. I watch her open the gate and make her way up the steps, searching her pockets.

__

"You should have your keys already out." She turns around, only partly surprised by my presence. "You never know who might be lurking."

I open the gate and step through it. "You know, the drinking… " I drift off and look at the ground. At a loss for another action, I swing the gate back and forth a few times in frustration. I know she wants me to continue, but how can I explain to her the battle that my mind and my heart have waged? I gather the strength to look at her and realize that her eyes mirror my emotion. 

"The drinking is the drinking… You know where I stand on that." I stop and just watch her react, willing the words to come to me. 

"It's just... how far are we going to go if we keep hiding from each other?" 

She pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath, looking away. I try to read her expression. She's not annoyed. It's more like… Saddened relief. She comes down a few steps, tucking a couple strands of hair behind her ears. It strikes me just how easily these little things make my heart beat faster. 

"I won't hide anymore." 

Her voice is quiet, passive. Like she doesn't want to scare me away. I don't blame her. I climb a couple of steps towards her. The El train screams by in the distance, and I'm only briefly distracted. I look at her again, her head lowered, eyes open, watching me. 

And waiting. 

"I didn't mean to leave like that. It just… seemed kind of complicated and I wanted to give it time to figure out where we were."

There's another other pause as she comes down one more step, so we're face-to-face. I notice the sparkle return to her eye, and I want to shout for joy. 

"Here we are." She smiles warmly at me.

The voice inside my head can no longer be silenced.

I love her.

More now than ever before.

***

END


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